Trauma and relationship support for Empaths & Highly Sensitive Souls
Empaths and relationships
The trouble is we have no training in the art of relationships
Maybe you have been calling in sick more days at work, to either recover from the emotional toll of another relationship blow up, or sleep deprivation is running rife because you again got no sleep because of the continual relationship's ruminations. Maybe managers or team leaders have had concerns about your work performance of late. You question how a relationship can have this much of an emotional stranglehold over you.
Perhaps as a mother you are finding yourself snappier at your children as you try to juggle parenting whilst sitting in relationship no-man's land. You then get the ghastly wave of guilt, as you realize that your offspring has again been caught up in the crossfire of your frustration, which has nothing to do with them and you know who the real culprit is who has ruined your zen. You want to scream and rage at them for disappointing you, but in doing so you worry you will be reinforcing the very reasons for them to further distance themselves (yet again) or retaliate in some other hurtful way. You are in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction.
You may desperately yearn for time to process all that is going on, yet the demands of parenting don't give you any reprieve. You soldier on, whilst your heart hurts. You may find yourself busily trying to connect with friends, in an attempt to distract yourself from the emotional pain. There are moments in catching up with friends, where you get the gift of distraction (albeit temporarily), where the impact of the relationship isn’t in the forefront of your mind. But as soon as the farewell hug is exchanged and you are back in your car, there are the thoughts again, almost as if they are traveling with you in the passenger seat.
You surf this continual wave, of not knowing when to formally start ‘the grief process’ (e.g finally calling it quits, ensuring that you are in 'no contact') and honouring the commencement of the necessary grief that will inevitably come up, versus the lure of the ‘glimmers of hope’, that are resurrected every time you relent by either reaching out or when they make contact, making superficial peace offerings or an attempt to re-engage the relationship cycle again.The grief can feel like ‘two steps forward and one step back’. Regardless whether it be the formal grief process, or the recognition that you are grieving by the very means of having unfulfilled needs met in this connection, you feel it. Often times, this absence of effort from your adored other leads to incredible self- scrutiny and second guessing of your worth or value as a person. The scrutiny is unrelenting, and turned inwards, there appears to be no corresponding scrutiny (well certainly not to the same degree) towards the person who is continually breaking your heart.
For many clients I work with, they are filled with anxiety- playing out all sort of future scenarios on repeat. Obsessions over when your partner may contact, what’s communicated (if anything) and scouring around for some indicator that hopefully change in some way is on the horizon, is commonplace. There is this desperate all-consuming energy of anticipation that often leads to crushing disappointment when nothing changes.
You may fear that you are going crazy, and may feel intense shame about what you have subjected yourself to, to keep yourself in the relationship. You feel incredibly misunderstood by others, perhaps friends have all but given up on listening, because they are tired of the same story on repeat. You may feel that they lack the objectivity in terms of understanding you and your relationship. Maybe despite all the frustration and disappointment, you aren't quite ready to leave. You may just want someone neutral to talk to about it all, without your friends getting snarly with you for not taking on their advice, regarding how and what you need or should be doing with your life.
There is a way out...
You can reclaim control of your nervous system in a new way, by learning to uncouple with the intrusive ruminations and the 'meaning making', that you place on the connection, whilst uncovering both the core beliefs you have, combined with the value system you have about the relationship that appears to be out of alignment. In doing so, you no longer violate your own needs.
Your energy is no longer leached as you rehash relationship stories, the accompanying repetitive negative ruminations stop. You feel you have clarity on ‘who, what and how the relationship marionette strings are being pulled’ so you are no longer fumbling around in the dark, trying to make connections and link dots with the primary focus on understanding and intervening in the relationship. You have gained insight about exactly what is going on. With this illumination, the confusion settles, you know the real nature of what is hi-jacking your emotional wellbeing. The locus of control now rests with you, for you are no longer furiously searching externally for what is needed. The energy invested in the chase alleviates, you are free of the attachment that connects 'their proof of change' as being a marker of your love- worthiness.
In response, you are noticed by colleagues, friends and family to be more present. Conversations with others are no longer dominated by the confusion of the relationship. Friends are able to be friends- no longer pseudo therapists. There is more energy for creative expansion, or to participate in the things you once enjoyed. Your passions return, you find joy in the simple things. You know your worth and are very clear on what you have to offer and to whom. Your mood is more stable, your anxiety is in check.
Day by day the amount of air time you dedicated to the person you once adored, lessens. You have moments where you even realize you haven’t even thought about them. A sigh of relief passes over you. Where has this feeling of relief been? Blocking the person you once cared for on social media or deleting their number no longer feels life threatening. You have untethered yourself from the insidious dependency of another. You have the joy of being immersed with your own self-development not being preoccupied by ruminations regarding a text that never comes, or the emotional and psychological mind games that you would ordinarily be having to deal with in some desperate attempt to decode them. Freedom lives here.
Maybe you are finally ready to put an end to the constant replaying of previous traumatic memories surrounding your relationships. The ones that make you so distrusting of even attempting to expose yourself to the prospect of love again. Or perhaps you are tired of the impact your previous relationships are having on your current relationship now. Perhaps you are just done with attracting partners who appear to leave you an anxious mess because of the way they profess to their 'version' of love.