“Tabithas’ Story
"Tabitha" (not her real name and other changes have been made to ensure she is unidentifiable), a 45 year old nurse, and mum of 2 was beyond frustrated with the perpetual cycle of endless diets that commenced when she was 12. Like many clients, I work with, her mother thought it would be a ‘good idea’ if they joined 'Weight Watchers' together as her mother feared that 'Tabitha' was heading down the same weight gain path, that she had been unsuccessfully trying to navigate for years.
‘Tabitha‘ secretly resented the weekly weigh in meetings, and started to feel pressure as food became a focal point of most conversations between her and her mother. She found herself feeling terribly conflicted when she would go to school with the ‘healthy’ lunchbox (kindly and ‘lovingly’ prepped by mum), only to be ravaged by cravings as she watched her peers devour snack size chips and chocolate bars. She found herself ‘sneakily’ taking money to the canteen to purchase lollies (obviously without her mum’s awareness) and would gratefully accept the chips or chocolate when they were offered to her by her friends.
‘Tabitha’ struggled with considerable guilt for not being able to ‘show the same degree of self-discipline’ that her mum was momentarily running with. ‘Tabitha’s’ anxiety was off the charts when it came closer to her weigh in each week. She would even try to increase her exercise in some desperate attempt to not let the evidence of her indulgences during the week, show up on the scales. Not surprisingly Tabitha spent many years struggling in terms of her weight. Gaining it, losing it. Having people constantly commenting on ‘how good she looked when she had lost weight’, followed by the absence of compliments when she put it all back on again. The cycle was maddening.
'Tabitha' would literally crawl through the front door, after a gruelling A.M shift. She had been furiously devouring the 'thank you' chocolates from grateful patients by 10:30 am borrowing from the sugars to simply get through the shift. She was tired of demanding patients, organisational politics and difficult colleagues. Knowing that upon getting home after a furious dash to collect the kids from school, she would then start a second shift- that of motherhood, letting the kids debrief about their days, lunch box prep for the next day and dinner preparation for the family. She wanted silence, no demands, no one trying to borrow from her already depleted energetic battery. ‘Bed time’ simply couldn’t come quick enough in terms of the kids. That became her time, where she could momentarily loose herself in the food induced neurochemicals that provided her with the numbing and a brief escape, from the rut that she had come to know as her life.
'Tabitha' was often conflicted about her relationship to food. She knew quite well she wasn't eating nutritionally. She would mindlessly 'graze in and out of the pantry', when the kids weren't watching, finding anything that was available to 'tide her over', until later in the evening, when the kids would be in bed and she would finally be alone, to devour the ice-cream, the chocolate, and then switch to potato chips.
She hated what she was doing, she knew that if things continued she was a candidate for a preventable chronic disease, and felt terribly conflicted about this, as a nurse. Yet she felt powerless to stop. Each evening after her food binge, she would vow that tomorrow was going to be different. It seldom was. She struggled to get comfortable in bed because of her distended stomach and occasional reflux, consequently sleep was seldom restful. She knew tomorrow would be filled with another rinse and repeat of just what went on today, and every day before it for as long as she could remember. She knew with menopause on the horizon, that her body may no longer be as accommodating to the impact of her continued indulgences. 'Tabitha' was understandably panicking. She had tried to address her emotional eating in an EAP session, but felt somewhat dismissed by the therapist who appeared to down play the extent of the problem. When the therapist said 'Well its food, its not like it's alcohol or meth", ''Tabitha' thought to herself- 'that is the exact problem, food is everywhere, temptation is as close as your own fridge, a kids birthday party and even calls to me when I go to purchased petrol'. My willpower doesn't seem to sustain me, when food is all around me'.
As I worked with ‘Tabitha’, she came to understand the real reasons why her relationship with food was so problematic for her. It wasn’t just that she had the weight loss blocker-‘the feelings are in the food’ she also had the legacy of the power struggle pertaining to food itself, way back when her mum initially suggested they diet together. The unprocessed anger, towards her mother for imposing a diet on her when she was going through the challenges of puberty, needed somewhere to safely go. The way we attempted to manage our relationships with our authority figures when young, (e.g compliance and discipline) surprisingly can also play out in the dynamics of discipline and restraint in terms of our relationship to food in subsequent years for some people.
'Tabitha' was able to connect with another weight loss blocker-“Look what happened last time’. When she had finally got to her ideal weight at age 25 (maintaining that for 12 months, finally feeling like she had victory over her emotional eating), she meet her first fiancé. For ‘Tabitha’, ‘Terry’ was everything she ever wanted in a man. However ‘Tabitha’ eventually discovered that ‘Terry’, had been having an affair with a woman in his H.R department for months whilst still dating her. Naturally she was devastated. Her heartbreak was immense. During our sessions, 'Tabitha' was able to realise that her unconscious mind, had unknowingly paired the victory of the weight loss maintenance (and finally getting the ''love of her life'), with the total devastation of having her heart broken and her trust betrayed by the one person she didn’t think would do that to her. In Tabitha’s subconscious mind- it simply wasn’t safe for her to lose weight again as her veneer of self-protection would not allow this. In her mind’s eye, her subconscious had a very serious job to do- ensuring that she never go through that degree of agony of heart break ever again. Keeping the weight on, would be a sure fire way of repelling the likes of 'Terry' ever gaining access to her tender heart.
'Tabitha'- was astonished when she brought some of her most craved foods into session (as part of her treatment), struggling like crazy to not devour them during the car trip to her sessions, only to find that she was driving home happily with them unopened in the front seat- with zero yearning to eat them. She found herself quite effortlessly putting those snacks in the kid’s lunch boxes, or giving to them to her kids after school without any hint of deprivation (or resultant moodiness). She simply had no longing to eat what she had previously been so badly tempted by.
Using a combination of EFT and EMDR, ‘Tabitha’ had tools to use at home, if she found herself emotionally triggered. We reprocessed some of her earliest unsettling memories connected with school bullying and the guilt that she was carrying as a result of a termination she had experienced in her early 20’s, along with the betrayal wound inflicted by 'Terry'.
As of 2 years ago, Tabitha got to her goal weight and is no longer fearful of looming menopause and its potential to wreak havoc on her metabolism. She happily can eat 2 of the Roses chocolates whist on her work break (with no temptation to load her pockets full with confectionery to get her through the day). Evenings are no longer dominated with the frenzied eating, she sleeps better. 'Tabitha' is no longer feeling the pang of guilt for eating in a way that would, (if continued) likely to shorten her life and expose her to an array of life-style induced medical conditions. Tabitha’s cholesterol is back within the normal range and she actually enjoys exercise because it no longer is associated with redeeming herself for the food she (in her mind) ‘shouldn’t have consumed’.
